History!

Alright Shaqheads: now we're making things more challenging. It's one thing for the Diesel to completely dominate the present, but he's also the only way to understand the past. What if all of history were reduced to Shaqness?

If Shaq had been King of England in 1775, the American colonists would have protested Shaqxation without representation.

Leave your historical Shaqorisms in the comments below, or tweet them our way @ifshaqwere.

The Top 10 Cinematic Shaqorisms...

Well, as you might expect, we've had a massive number of suggestions this round. Whittling down to just ten has been difficult, and credit is hard to dole out perfectly, because lots of folks offered similar ideas. Again, the order here is unscientific... the only certain thing is that the ENTIRE WORLD OF CINEMATIC DRAMA has now been reduced to the DIESEL of SHAQNESS.

Let's get things started with the best Scarface submission we got, since that's one of Shaq's personal favorite films, and roll from there:

10. If Shaq played the lead role in Scarface, he'd refine his acting genius by channeling his inner Al Shaqino (@jstormtwits)
9. If Shaq dished out the celebrity dirt, it would be called Shaqccess Hollywood. (@samgf)
8. Shaq goes to prison: The Shawshaq Redemption (@Michael Molinar)
7. Shaquille O'Neal gives up his police duties and works as a fireman in: SHAQdraft (@ahuff32)
6. If Shaq were the lovable star of the "Pirates Of The Caribbean" series, he would be Captain Shaq Sparrow. (@marnykins)

5. If there were a horror flick about all the opposing centers that feared Shaq, it would be Ashaqnaphobia. (@willygray)

4. If Shaq hosted the Academy Awards, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, and Penny Hardaway would all be nominated for Best Supporting Shaqtor. (@ifshaqwere)
3. If Shaq were the subject of one of Phil Jackson's tasteless jokes, he'd be Brokeshaq Mountain. (@mgottfried)
2. The genre including Kazaam, Blue Chips, and Steel is known as Shaqsploitation cinema. (@ifshaqwere)
1. If Shaq turned green, he'd become Shraq. (@ifshaqwere)

Welcome New Shaqheads!

Hi Folks,

Obviously we've had a lot of new visitors since Shaq linked to us from his Twitter page last night. Take a look at our Open Letter to Shaq and peruse some of our posts below to get an idea of what we're up to, and follow us on twitter (@ifshaqwere). Tomorrow, we'll post the top 10 movie Shaqorisms, and then we'll introduce a new challenge. Reading Shaqorisms is fun, but making them up yourself is even more fun!

We hope you enjoy the concept, and thanks Shaq for the shout out!

If Shaq were a prehistoric flying beast, he would be a Pteroshaqtyl.

Shaq goes to the movies!

Alright, Shaqheads! The economy is in the rear-view mirror, and it's time to move on to weightier considerations: what if we reduced all of Hollywood to SHAQNESS? Shaq has already dominated several of his own feature films, but now it's time for him to dominate the entire industry. As usual, we here at "If Shaq Were..." will get you started:

If Shaq were an 80s flick in which he travels through time to preserve his own existence, he'd be Shaq to the Future.

As always, post your suggestions in the comments section, or tweet them @ifshaqwere.

The Top Ten Economic Shaqorisms...

The wait is over! In unscientific order, the top ten economic shaqorisms are:

10. If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics. (@ifshaqwere)
9. In Shaqroeconomic theory, pure Diesel is the only acknowledged shaqtor of production. (@WillyGray)
8. Shaq is so rich, he's in his own Shaq's Bracket (@ifshaqwere)
7. If Shaq were a piece of US Currency, he would be the Shaqagawea Dollar Coin. (@gonadsgo)
6. If Shaq had to do a variety of odd jobs to survive during the recession, he would be a Shaq of all trades. (@samgf)
5. If Shaq were a technology stock, he'd be traded on the NASHAQ (@gonadsgo)
4. If Shaq were an i-banker, he'd specialize in mergers and shaquisitions. (@heathstreet)
3. If Shaq were a strategy in Keynesian economics, he'd be the Big Stimulus Shaqage (@greatwave)
2. When Shaq personally guarantees the value of your home, it becomes a mortgage-shaqed security. (@brittanw)
1. If Congress called upon Shaq to use his mathematical skills to monitor AIG's risk levels so that it would never again require a bailout, he would become the Big Shaqtuary... and his bonus would be fucking huge. (@willygray, @theanimalbeast)

It's the Economy, Stupid

OK, Shaqheads. Today we officially begin the monumental project of defining every last nook and cranny of reality in terms of SHAQNESS. Everyone knows that the best way to approach a task of terrifyingly monumental scope and significance is to break it down into smaller, more manageable slices. Therefore, every few days, we here at If Shaq Were... will name a slice of reality that MUST be wholly reduced to its essential SHAQNESS.

The first slice? It's the economy, stupid.

Leave your suggestions for economic Shaqorisms in the "comments" here, or -- even better -- tweet them to us @ifshaqwere (twitter). Then, we the staff at If Shaq Were... will post our ten greatest ideas alongside the ten greatest user generated ideas.

By this process, slowly but surely, we will come to know the SHAQTUAL WORLD.

We'll get you started with one of our old favorites:

If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.

Some of our favorite Shaqorisms

If Shaq had lived in 18th century Germany, he'd have been the subject of Kant's "A Critique of Shaqtical Reason."

If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.

If President Obama appointed Shaq to run his own cabinet level department, he would be the Secretary of Shaqriculture.

If each of the letters of Shaq's name stood for a word (S.H.A.Q.), it would be a shaqronym.

If Shaq were an infinitely repeating shape, he'd be known as THE BIG SHRAQTAL: