If Shaq were an 80s flick in which he travels through time to preserve his own existence, he'd be Shaq to the Future.
As always, post your suggestions in the comments section, or tweet them @ifshaqwere.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Shaq goes to the movies!
Alright, Shaqheads! The economy is in the rear-view mirror, and it's time to move on to weightier considerations: what if we reduced all of Hollywood to SHAQNESS? Shaq has already dominated several of his own feature films, but now it's time for him to dominate the entire industry. As usual, we here at "If Shaq Were..." will get you started:
The Top Ten Economic Shaqorisms...
The wait is over! In unscientific order, the top ten economic shaqorisms are:
10. If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics. (@ifshaqwere)
9. In Shaqroeconomic theory, pure Diesel is the only acknowledged shaqtor of production. (@WillyGray)
8. Shaq is so rich, he's in his own Shaq's Bracket (@ifshaqwere)
7. If Shaq were a piece of US Currency, he would be the Shaqagawea Dollar Coin. (@gonadsgo)
6. If Shaq had to do a variety of odd jobs to survive during the recession, he would be a Shaq of all trades. (@samgf)
5. If Shaq were a technology stock, he'd be traded on the NASHAQ (@gonadsgo)
4. If Shaq were an i-banker, he'd specialize in mergers and shaquisitions. (@heathstreet)
3. If Shaq were a strategy in Keynesian economics, he'd be the Big Stimulus Shaqage (@greatwave)
2. When Shaq personally guarantees the value of your home, it becomes a mortgage-shaqed security. (@brittanw)
1. If Congress called upon Shaq to use his mathematical skills to monitor AIG's risk levels so that it would never again require a bailout, he would become the Big Shaqtuary... and his bonus would be fucking huge. (@willygray, @theanimalbeast)
10. If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics. (@ifshaqwere)
9. In Shaqroeconomic theory, pure Diesel is the only acknowledged shaqtor of production. (@WillyGray)
8. Shaq is so rich, he's in his own Shaq's Bracket (@ifshaqwere)
7. If Shaq were a piece of US Currency, he would be the Shaqagawea Dollar Coin. (@gonadsgo)
6. If Shaq had to do a variety of odd jobs to survive during the recession, he would be a Shaq of all trades. (@samgf)
5. If Shaq were a technology stock, he'd be traded on the NASHAQ (@gonadsgo)
4. If Shaq were an i-banker, he'd specialize in mergers and shaquisitions. (@heathstreet)
3. If Shaq were a strategy in Keynesian economics, he'd be the Big Stimulus Shaqage (@greatwave)
2. When Shaq personally guarantees the value of your home, it becomes a mortgage-shaqed security. (@brittanw)
1. If Congress called upon Shaq to use his mathematical skills to monitor AIG's risk levels so that it would never again require a bailout, he would become the Big Shaqtuary... and his bonus would be fucking huge. (@willygray, @theanimalbeast)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
It's the Economy, Stupid
OK, Shaqheads. Today we officially begin the monumental project of defining every last nook and cranny of reality in terms of SHAQNESS. Everyone knows that the best way to approach a task of terrifyingly monumental scope and significance is to break it down into smaller, more manageable slices. Therefore, every few days, we here at If Shaq Were... will name a slice of reality that MUST be wholly reduced to its essential SHAQNESS.
The first slice? It's the economy, stupid.
The first slice? It's the economy, stupid.
Leave your suggestions for economic Shaqorisms in the "comments" here, or -- even better -- tweet them to us @ifshaqwere (twitter). Then, we the staff at If Shaq Were... will post our ten greatest ideas alongside the ten greatest user generated ideas.
By this process, slowly but surely, we will come to know the SHAQTUAL WORLD.
We'll get you started with one of our old favorites:
If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.
By this process, slowly but surely, we will come to know the SHAQTUAL WORLD.
We'll get you started with one of our old favorites:
If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Some of our favorite Shaqorisms
If Shaq had lived in 18th century Germany, he'd have been the subject of Kant's "A Critique of Shaqtical Reason."
If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.
If President Obama appointed Shaq to run his own cabinet level department, he would be the Secretary of Shaqriculture.
If each of the letters of Shaq's name stood for a word (S.H.A.Q.), it would be a shaqronym.
If Shaq were an infinitely repeating shape, he'd be known as THE BIG SHRAQTAL:
If Shaq created a comprehensive plan to solve the financial crisis, it would be the seminal work of Shaqroeconomics.
If President Obama appointed Shaq to run his own cabinet level department, he would be the Secretary of Shaqriculture.
If each of the letters of Shaq's name stood for a word (S.H.A.Q.), it would be a shaqronym.
If Shaq were an infinitely repeating shape, he'd be known as THE BIG SHRAQTAL:
An Open Letter to Shaq
Dear Shaq,
Your quotatious CREATIVITY inspired us to try to imagine what REALITY would be like if everything were defined by SHAQNESS. One of us is a mathematician, another is a philosopher, and the third works in D.C. politics. We like to think of our project as constructing The Big Aristotle's Metaphysics: in modern art, music, science, sports, the movies -- anything and everything -- there are infinite opportunities to imagine SHAQNESS. In philosophy, people called modal realists claim that every possible world is just as real as the actual world. But on IF SHAQ WERE... we contend that there is only ONE world: the SHAQTUAL WORLD.
Hopefully you, the original BIG ARISTOTLE, can use some of these Shaqorisms if you feel them. Thanks for hollering back to us on twitter about Count Shaqula. You are the chief vampire: you can't be bitten.
Sincerely,
Your Friends @IfShaqWere
http://twitter.com/ifshaqwere
http://ifshaqwere.blogspot.com
Your quotatious CREATIVITY inspired us to try to imagine what REALITY would be like if everything were defined by SHAQNESS. One of us is a mathematician, another is a philosopher, and the third works in D.C. politics. We like to think of our project as constructing The Big Aristotle's Metaphysics: in modern art, music, science, sports, the movies -- anything and everything -- there are infinite opportunities to imagine SHAQNESS. In philosophy, people called modal realists claim that every possible world is just as real as the actual world. But on IF SHAQ WERE... we contend that there is only ONE world: the SHAQTUAL WORLD.
Hopefully you, the original BIG ARISTOTLE, can use some of these Shaqorisms if you feel them. Thanks for hollering back to us on twitter about Count Shaqula. You are the chief vampire: you can't be bitten.
Sincerely,
Your Friends @IfShaqWere
http://twitter.com/ifshaqwere
http://ifshaqwere.blogspot.com
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